I just got my Kamp DVD in the mail today. I watched the generic “Kamp Video” and then the K-CO term videos…all of them…in their entirety. Gosh I miss Kamp. Is it May yet? That is all.
Why post my own thoughts, when I can compile my favorites from someone else?
Note: These are best read while imagining them actually being said out loud by Drew. If you don’t have the pleasure of knowing Drew Crowson, then you’re on your own.
- Is the park in Jurassic Park not the most improbably designed theme park or zoo on planet earth? How did they not see that having no security and only 2 guys capable of running a computer was a bad idea? Also, why are the breakers a mile and a half from the main complex in some creepy shed? Needless to say, it’s one of my favorite movies.
- Gmail video chat is the worst video chat program ever. Darth Vader was able to talk the Emporer with a clearer picture than this. At what point do we get the Jetson’s Video Phone? Skype and iChat are clearer, but they aren’t anything to write home about either. The best part of iChat is that you can change the background to random landscapes. Finally I can make my friends believe I’m on the moon!
- I think I actually know less about girls than I do about the bottom of the ocean or about other galaxies.
- Is anybody still eating at Applebee’s?
- Is there anything better than playing fetch with a good dog? Except, maybe playing fetch with a dog that falls down a lot.
- Math is useless. I have calculators for everything I need. Algebra will never play a factor in my life ever again.
- Nothing is better than Frizza (a wombination which, of course, means free pizza). It could be the worst day of my life, but if I walk into a room with Frizza, I freak out. Remember your reaction to pizza parties when you were younger? You went berserk simply for the reason that nothing is better than Frizza. Just mention the phrase “pizza party” in front of a class of third-graders and see what happens. Forget that, mention it to a class of grad school students and see what happens.
- Milkshakes are a great decision if you are trying to punch-out of life a little early.
- Here’s a tip for girls who are thinking about starting a relationship: if the guy makes a lot of noise while lifting weights….stay away from him. He stinks and everyone else at the gym hates him. Plus how cool can a guy who screams while doing dumbbell curls really be?
- Saw a guy at the gym this week wearing a shirt that read “I (heart) Sluts.” Who says no one is honest anymore?
- If you are one of those people who calls Valentine’s day “Singles Appreciation Day,” quit pretending to be happy. You aren’t fooling anyone and you are making everyone feel sorry for you. No wonder you are single.
- What is the worst tattoo you can think of? How much do you have to LOVE dragons before you can get one tattooed on your body. Nobody should love dragons that much.
- I am a member of both Safeway and this grocery store called King Soopers. These memberships were free, so I shouldn’t expect much, but at what point am I going to save more than 11 cents? Do I need to be going to a clubhouse somewhere where the members all meet to discuss the goings-on of the grocery store?
- Is it wrong that I am now watching replays of NFL games on TV? I mean, there is literally nothing going on is sports right now. Unless, of course, LeBron is on. Bron Bron is having one of the best statistical seasons ever and I need people to be talking about that. You shouldn’t be able to walk down the street without someone stopping you to say, “Did you see what LeBron did last night? He had 52-11-9 and dunked his entire body through the basket!”
- A small part of me wants to have a secretary. I know I have no need for one and she would do next to nothing all day, but I just want to tell people to check with my secretary to see if I’m free this weekend.
- At what point does a burger no become no longer a burger. “We have a turkey burger on an English muffin with sun-dried tomatoes on top and a garnish of fresh veggies.” No, you have a confused turkey sandwich.
- When you were a kid, midnight seemed like an unattainable goal, when you are in college it is the beginning of a fun night, when you are 23 or older the thought of midnight just makes you tired.
- It’s Lent now. This is always confused me: I’m going to give up something I do that is not good for me in order to get closer to God, but after Easter all bets are off. Why not just give that thing up? I’m sure God appreciates your 40-day sacrifice considering He is outside of time itself.
- If you haven’t seen someone fall while on a treadmill, you haven’t lived.
- If you are the blonde girl that was stumbling drunkenly through the lobby of the Broadmoor hotel a few minutes ago, I apologize for looking at your boyfriend, laughing, and giving him the “good luck with that” look. However, you should be ashamed of yourself. If you are so drunk that you have to walk through a hotel lobby carrying your shoes and looking like you are walking on the deck of an Alaskan crab-fishing boat, you have some serious questions to ask yourself. For instance, why in the world did I wear shoes tonight I knew I wasn’t going to be able to wear all night? If you are knowingly going to get hammered, get your Nikes on. We are not trying to see you looking like a cave-woman walking around barefoot and stinking up the carpet in the lobby.
For more exciting useless information like what you just read, check out: Searching But Not Lost - Drew Crowson
